Dr D's column: Of cats, consent and cuddles

Dear Dr D,
This is an instance of cat-calling. Meeeow! I’m looking for help. I was gifted to Julian Assange by his children. Should a living thing exchange hands in such transactional fashion? No. It’s slavery.

But having been dumped on him, I have discovered to my anger (hisssss!) that he’s confined to one room in an embassy with no freedom. I’m not only enslaved, I’m enshackled. Also, here’s the problem, the man’s a bore. Here are his stock responses.

- When I ask for milk: (“You want milk? Two thirds of the world is deprived of the milk of human kindness. It’s appalling... etc)

- When I want him to stroke and cuddle me: (“Look buddy. I know what you want but I need written consent. You’ve read about the #MeToo thing right?”)

- When I point out that my litter box has not been cleaned. Again: (“That’s how most of India lives, my friend, amidst and around all of their own doo-doo.”)

- When I asked to be taken out of the room: (“Families are being forcibly separated and confined by that barbarian in the White House and you need to go for a walk??”)

How do I get him to behave in more human fashion?
Kitty, London

Hello Kitty,
We men are still learning to behave with women in a more human fashion. We’re not there yet, as recent events show. Animals are probably going to have to wait.
Best wishes.