Dr. D's column: Messi's messy wedding kiss

Dear Dr D,

When you are a footballing genius, and I am, you are different from other people. The most important difference is: intuition. Knowing what is going to happen.

Not in the way of a mystic or tarot reader. Not in the sense of ‘I know what the markets will do tomorrow’ or ‘what Trump will tweet about next’. That stuff I do not know. What I am referring to is bodily movement. Again, to clarify, I cannot predict functions like bowel movement. I mean the movement of the torso, limbs and head. I can tell, purely from posture, what a person’s next move will be.

This intuition is the reason I have dribbled past thousands of professional players. It is not that they lack skills. It is just that I can anticipate what they will do, and because of that I am one step ahead of them.

The reason for this explanation is, of course, the goof up I produced at the altar on my wedding day. I leaned over to kiss my new bride… and I missed. I felt I had lined it up properly. I leaned over and kissed. But she didn’t move as she should have. She was still. I am not sure why. My mouth caught her nose (it was salty).

Anyway, my question to you is: how do I convince the world it was her fault and not mine?

‘Messy’ Barcelona

Dear ‘Messy’,

It’s not you that has the problem. It’s your wife. She’s stuck with a Forrest Gump kind: a man who can dribble past the back four effortlessly but stumble in the face of a woman. Your options for the public explanation are as follows:

- Claim you were overwhelmed by the moment
- Say you were in raptures, entranced by her shimmering beauty
- Ask for a redo of the wedding ceremony

Or, you can accept that you are not perfect and move on.

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.