Dr. D: Handsy with the touch

Dear Doc D,

Quickly: At the 87th Academy Awards (which you people know as the ‘Oscars’) I referred to some chick whose name was “Adele Dazeem” as “Idina Menzel”. Wait a minute, or was it the other way around? No matter, it was some hottie chick of the sort of which Hollywood has tens of thousands. I was roundly attacked for this. Not sure why. Mistake. Now then. This year, I atoned for this “error” by making sweet love to her face with my fingers. You know, Doc? The kind of thing we men do to random women we want to make up with? Caress, fondle, squeeze...All finger-on-face action. Mmmm. Don’t make it out to be anything else, Doc — my wife and daughter were watching. But again, I was pilloried. Unfair.

My considered view on this is as follows:

“Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man: no time to talk Music loud and women warm, I’ve been kicked around since I was born And now it’s all right, I’m okay And you may look the other way We can try to understand The Economic Times’ effect on man Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Feel the city breakin’ and everybody shakin’ And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin’ alive Life goin’ nowhere, somebody help me Somebody help me, yeah Life goin’ nowhere, somebody help me, yeah I’m stayin’ aliiiive. I ain’t apologising.”

Yours J Travolta, La La Land

Dear Mr Travolta,
If today had not been Friday, I would have written this off as a case of Saturday night fever. I have no cure for it, nor does one exist. You carry on. Mistakes happen, yes, but keep your hands to yourself.

(STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned).