Donald Trump seeks Dr. D's advice

Dear Dr D

Let’s talk makeovers. How good are you? How much do you charge? I need a little do-over. I made some comments that have caused offense but am not sure why. In case you haven’t read or heard what I said, here goes:

"I don’t think Ivanka would do that [pose for Playboy], although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her."

"(Mexican immigrants) are bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and some I assume are good people but I speak to border guards and they tell us what we are getting."

When I was asked where I got military advice from I said "Well, I watch the shows. I mean, I really see a lot of great — you know, when you watch your show, and all of the other shows, and you have the generals, and you have certain people –."

All of these are factually accurate, perfectly sensible and obvious things to say. But the image I have is of being some sort of sexist, racist, moron. It is totally untrue and the proof of that lies in my fabulous wealth, of US $10 billion, which I built myself. On my own. I got the smarts.

What I need now is only a little shift in image and the presidency is going to be mine. What can you do for me, Doc? And how much will you charge?

D Trump New York

Dear Mr Trump

Thank you for writing in. I have a few questions of my own to understand you better: — Your hair. What’s up with that? — Have you read the note you just sent to me? The things you said about women and race, did you think any of that through?

I have to know to be able to take you seriously. At the moment I cannot. And I don’t see how most of your countrymen will either and it’s not just about a change in image. To use your favourite words, I’d like to say "You’re fired!" but it’s unlikely you’re going to be hired. It’s going to be an interesting election, however. Do write in again.

He is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy (but not of his clients.)

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.