Do you go out of your way to help others? Signs you are a people pleaser

A willingness to go out of your way to help others, and an inability to say no in order to gain acceptance and self worth, is unhealthy. Lisa Antao tells why.

Learning to say no to others can be difficult for some people. Are you one of those who will go out of your way to help others or do them favours? Does doing so make you feel so good about yourself that you unable to refuse a request fearing that you may be disliked? Has this been a frequent occurrence that at times you feel taken advantage but are unable to do something about it? If yes, then you are a people pleaser.

-Definition: Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Varkha Chulani says that there's a thick line between people who please because the behaviour comes naturally to them — they are of pleasant disposition and to that extent altruistic in their temperament, versus people who please so that their inadequacy may be lifted and they get a temporary high after going out of their way to help others. "In the latter, one helps and goes out of one's way to please because somewhere one has learnt that being in the good books of others defines him/her... that one can only feel good when others accept and like him/her. Such individuals' goodness is driven by acceptance," she explains.

-Causes: A myriad reasons and experiences amount to the development of a people pleasing personality. Clinical psychologist and hypnotherapist Neha Patel says, "The kind of interactions, feedback and experiences one has with significant people like parents, teachers and peers in one's formative years plays a major role in formation of such a personality."

She explains that factors like over critical parents, huge expectations from the child, sometimes beyond his or her capacity, abusive relationships, a family where sacrificing one's own needs over that of others is encouraged, and appreciation and positive feedback is given sparingly... all these lead to the development of a very strong need for acceptance and approval, a fear of rejection, feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough.

-Effects: Let's face it, the world we live in is a big bad one and there are plenty of people who will take advantage of such people. Chulani says, "Some thrive on people pleasers because they get their pound of flesh at no cost to them. Some dislike them because they can see through the 'fakeness' and want little to do with them. Others abhor them because they can't stand their subservience and grovelling. They see them as wimps and as people who have no self-respect."
On the professional front, such individuals are overburdened with work because they can never say no. They are often the last to leave office because they have to be seen to keep the boss's good image of them. They are overworked and underpaid because they believe that they can't ever ask for their due lest the boss thinks less of them and doesn't favour them anymore.

-Coping: In order to put an end to being taken advantage of by others, people pleasers need to make a conscious decision to stop being so. Clinical psychologist and trauma therapist, Seema Hingorrany recommends the following:

-To stop being a people pleaser, you must make conscious choices, dip into your self-knowledge, and have the courage to say no without feeling guilty. Verbalise it to yourself in simple ways and then work your way up to bigger choices by saying no to others.

-Maintaining self-control is very important. Get to know your triggers for emotional responses. Try to be in sync with your needs and reactions. Keep a diary.

-When you start worrying about what others think, consciously start asking yourself what you think and what you feel. "Why does this matter so much to me?" or "What am I afraid of?" or "Why does this person have this effect on me?"

-Carve out an interruption free time in your day for some 'me' time. This space allows you to cultivate positive self-esteem and gives ample time to introspect.



Also read: People reveal login passwords in return for chocolates!

Also read: Many people 'misusing' opioids to relieve pain