Choosing a coach: Spun out of control

Dear Dr D,

He is a famous player, I am a famous player. He is a spinner, I am a spinner. He's a tall man, I'm a tall man. He's... that's it. We done here? Not quite.

He's not a commentator, I am. He's not someone who's managed the team before, I am. He's not many other things that I am, Doc. Why did they pick him over me, Doc? Why? And another thing, one of those on the committee - let's call him 'S' - did not even turn up for my interview. What cheek! What an 'S'!

I was one of the greatest, Doc, champion of champions, sixer of sixes, hitting them like a tracer bullet. So two problems then for you, Doc. The mystery of why him over me. And the puzzlement over why someone skipped interviewing me. I don't mind the losing that much - heaven knows the team barely won a thing in the old days -but an analysis of why is important. I have always been on top of my game, and I have always been the best at what I've done. Don't want to change that. Thanks 'Are' BCC-'I'

Dear Are,
You keep saying 'I Am' so often like some Hebraic god. Are you sure your name isn't Were? Your achievements seem to all be from the past. Let go of them, they are as vanity. You seem most self-important, but remember it's just about knocking a few balls about. In a sport most of the world doesn't care about or play. So relax and let it go, because it's gone whether or not you like it.
STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.