Chivalry beats chauvinism

By Nonita Kalra
I found myself in Jaipur, as the year drew to a close. I wasn’t particularly enamoured of doing time there, given that all I had heard about the Pink City was the standard drivel trotted out by fans of India exotica. Old havelis, blue pottery, hand printing, silver jewellery…. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of these things. I just hate the colour-corrected version of its presentation.

But an invitation to attend my college reunion sparked off a distant memory. Since I couldn’t make the trip, I found myself flipping through my history books in an uncharacteristic bout of nostalgia. I am a huge fan of the Mughal era; I love their attention to detail and aesthetics. I also admired the way they assimilated into Indian culture. Most of all, I respected the way they treated their enemies. Specially the Rajputs. This warrior race really gave them a run for their money. When they weren’t busy figuring out the neatest matrimonial alliances to destroy the Mughals from within (Hey, we old school historians can give humour a shot. So what if we fail?) They still remained the favoured fathers-in-law.

That’s when I realised I prefer to think of Rajasthan as a land of valour and chivalry – versus a city of cutesy crafts. For instance, if you want to drive in the city and let’s not even go onto the highways, you need valour to survive. Anarchy rules at great speeds. Frankly I had so many ‘my life flashed in front of my eyes’ moments I felt like I was living in a permanent state of rewind.

But the chivalry that exists is actually still the wonderful old-fashioned kind. Now let me be clear, it is not to be confused with chauvinism. Because Rajput men are not. I know. For sure. My partner/boyfriend comes from Jaipur and he is completely lacking in bias. I think this comes from watching an enormous immediate family treat their women as equals. The men respect their women and defer to their opinions. The women take this as a given, as they should. Which is why the equation makes sense.

A lot of men think that chivalry is limited to opening car doors. That’s the easier option, the sillier choice. Chivalry is a state of mind that is so Zen you shouldn’t even be aware of it. Look at the Sikhs. The men would be grateful if the women treated them as equals. Do they resent this discrimination? Not at all. In the interests of full disclosure I must point out that I am a proud member of the tribe (in case you missed my constant reassertions).

I grew up with a grandmother who was so tough she could add inches to her height and everyone bowed down to her wishes.For instance, if anyone wanted to get married, she officiated over the Anand Karaj. She went by the title General Ammiji even though my grandfather was the bonafide Lieutenant General in the Indian Army. She earned the moniker out of equal parts of love and fear. Particularly from her husband, who otherwise knew no fear.

A Sikh friend told me in college partly in jest that only Sikh women were stupid enough to marry a surd (it is only okay when we refer to ourselves like that, you cannot even go there). He was wrong. It is the smartest thing to do. Only a very lucky woman ends up with a Sardar. They are among the last of a dying breed of gentlemen.

(The author is a lifestyle journalist and former ELLE editor-in-chief)