Can you really stay friends with your ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends? Psychologists explain when it works and when it holds you back

Breakups rarely come with a clear instruction manual. While some people block their ex the moment a relationship ends, others continue texting, meeting for coffee or even become close friends. But is staying friends after a breakup a sign of emotional maturity, or can it make moving on harder? Psychologists have been studying this question for years, and the findings suggest there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Whether the friendship thrives or becomes emotionally complicated often depends on why it exists in the first place.

Can exes really be friends? Research says yes, but it depends

One of the most comprehensive studies on the topic, titled Staying friends with ex-romantic partners: Predictors, reasons, and outcomes, explored why people choose to remain friends after a breakup and what usually happens afterwards.

The researchers identified four main reasons people stay connected with former partners:

- Security
- Practical reasons
- Civility
- Unresolved romantic desires

The study found that several factors predicted whether exes remained friends, including sexual orientation, attachment styles, personality traits, the time since the breakup and the reasons the relationship ended.
Interestingly, not all friendships had the same outcome.


People who stayed friends because of unresolved romantic feelings generally experienced more negative outcomes. By contrast, friendships maintained for security or practical reasons tended to produce more positive experiences. However, friendships based mainly on practical convenience or civility were found to be less likely to last over the long term.

The researchers concluded that the motivation behind the friendship matters just as much as the friendship itself.

Happy relationships are more likely to become healthy friendships

Another study titled Can We Be and Stay Friends? Remaining Friends After Dissolution of a Romantic Relationship found that the quality of the relationship before the breakup plays an important role in determining what happens afterwards.

The researchers discovered that individuals who had been more satisfied during their romantic relationship were more likely to remain friends after the breakup. They also found these former couples were more likely to engage in friendship maintenance behaviours, such as communicating, offering support and investing in the friendship.

The study further showed that these friendship maintenance behaviours completely explained the link between past relationship satisfaction and current friendship satisfaction. In other words, a respectful and fulfilling relationship may create a stronger foundation for a genuine friendship once the romance ends.

Social media can reveal when relationships begin to fall apart

Psychologists have even examined relationship breakups through social media behaviour. A study titled From "I love you babe" to "leave me alone" – Romantic Relationship Breakups on Twitter analysed public Twitter data from 661 couples whose romantic relationships could be identified through profile references. The researchers found evidence supporting several well-known psychological theories.

For example, couples who appeared emotionally close before the breakup were also more likely to remain close afterwards. The study also found evidence of "stonewalling," where one partner increasingly ignored the other's messages before the relationship ended.

Researchers additionally observed signs of post-breakup depression in user behaviour. One unexpected finding was a phenomenon they described as "batch unfriending and being unfriended." Following breakups, many users experienced sudden losses of approximately 15 to 20 followers and friends on the platform. According to the researchers, public social media data can offer valuable insights into the psychological processes surrounding relationship dissolution, an experience most people encounter at least once in their lifetime.

Are friendships with exes truly platonic?

Research suggests that friendships with former partners are often different from friendships that never involved romance. A study titled Cross-Sex Friends Who were Once Romantic Partners: Are they Platonic Friends Now?, cited by Time, examined friendships between former romantic partners and compared them with friendships where no romantic history existed. The findings showed important differences.

People generally associated more positive qualities with friendships that had never involved romance. Friendships with ex-partners, on the other hand, were linked to more negative qualities as well as stronger lingering romantic desires.

The researchers concluded that friendships between former romantic partners are qualitatively different from ordinary platonic friendships.

Staying friends is an individual decision?

Rachel Sussman, a New York City-based psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible, told Time that remaining friends after a breakup can work for some couples, but it is ultimately "an individual determination."
However, Sussman also believes certain boundaries are essential. She advises that relationships which were abusive, manipulative or toxic should never transition into friendships.

She also points out that staying close to an ex can sometimes interfere with future relationships. According to Sussman, maintaining a close friendship with a former partner may prevent someone from fully investing in a new relationship. She notes that introducing a new partner to the idea that an ex remains one of your closest friends can create emotional complications and make it harder for the new relationship to develop naturally.

Her advice aligns with psychological research showing that lingering emotional attachment, rather than genuine friendship, is often what creates difficulties after a breakup.

What psychology ultimately suggests

Taken together, the research paints a nuanced picture. Staying friends with an ex is neither automatically healthy nor automatically harmful. The success of that friendship appears to depend on several factors, including how satisfying the relationship was before it ended, why the breakup happened, the motivations for remaining friends and whether unresolved romantic feelings still exist.