Border disorder: A reality check from an alien visitor to the pale blue dot

Friendly border sentries from various countries got together at a military mess to exchange notes over a drink. “Sirji, how’s it going? What’s with those bruises and lacerations on your face and neck? Why the black eye?” the Pakistani ranger asked the Indian soldier, offering him chilli pakoras with hot and sweet ketchup and a smirk.

“Oh nothing really, bhaisaab. Had to tackle some barbarians who ambushed me with wooden clubs wrapped in barbed wire,” the Indian replied, with a withering look at the Chinese guard as he passed the Gobi Manchurian. “But it was easier than tackling a f*&%$#@! infiltrated suicide bomber,” he added saltily.

“Oh gee! You shoulda called me, dude! I could have SOLD you some nice mountain warfare equipment, nifty night vision goggles, some cool Drones, and maybe a few squadrons of F-somethings,” drawled the American Joe, adding, “I could also have issued a statement supporting you and sent an aircraft carrier group for a passex.”


“Yeah, shoulda coulda woulda. But you were too busy guarding against illegal immigrants on your southern border and then deploying against your own people in Portland, Atlanta, Chicago, and DC,” the Indian soldier replied drily. He enviously added, “But at least your northern border is quiet.”

Responded the American: “Are you kidding? Those Canadians keep sending peace, love, brotherhood and all that dangerous stuff. They are in cahoots with Antifa and the Radical Left. Besides, what will we do with our military-industrial complex if such sentiments take hold? We are made for war! Can’t live without a war!”

“Ni hao! You can relocate your military-industrial complex to Guangzhao. We have borders with 16 other countries, the most in the world, and disputes with all of them. So we are constantly looking to upgrade our military equipment and expand our boundaries,” said the Chinese guard, trying to hide his barbed wire club in his underwear.

Interjected the Russian Spetsnaz: “Hey, we’ll give you whatever weapons you want. We have too many weapons and too few countries to invade. We were planning to invade Finland last month but Trump gave it to us on a platter. In exchange, we just gave him a used golf course in Crimea.”

Said the Chinese guard: “Shi Shi. We are hoping he will let us swallow Taiwan in return for help in the US elections. We’ve already gulped down Hong Kong and he has been very kind so far. We can give him a golf course in Spratly or Senkaku.”

Retorted the Russian: “Hey! Butt out! Election interference is our speciality. You stick to making cheap American knock-offs.”

“Please ask Trump to give us one country too for free. We are overpopulated, surrounded by India on all sides, and feel suffocated,” chipped in the sentry from Bangladesh. “We don’t mind if it is our former partner and comrade-in-arms Pakistan even though we are separated by 3000 miles,” he added.

“Please ask Trump to extricate us from being sandwiched and squeezed in between India and China. We are also tired of their littering the mountains.” chimed in the Gorkha from Nepal.

“And when you get new weapons, please give us your barbed wooden club — and your torn underwear,” the Pakistani ranger pleaded. Suddenly they espied a sentry they did not recognise, and asked him for his ID.

“Oh I’m just an alien soldier passing by,” the stranger explained. “Do you folks know that from outer space one can only see land and water on your Earth and not any nations or boundaries? And worse, from the galaxy where I’ve come from, you are just an insignificant pale blue dot.”