Ask Dr D: Why Andy Murray's ordeal with a stalker is making headlines?

Dear Dr D
What do you make of this headline? I find it shocking. ‘Andy Murray’s CREEPY stalker sat on his bed and stroked his arm’. The report under it says “tennis star Andy Murray has revealed he woke up to find a female stalker stroking his arm. The British No 1 told how the hotel maid crept into his room and sat on the bed.” He said: “I had the Do Not Disturb sign up on the door and she came in and sat on my bed and started stroking my arm at about seven in the morning when I was still sleeping.”

I have the same reaction as you do I’m sure, Doc. CREEPY? Really? How? Where? It’s the most natural thing in the world! Showing my
affection for the object of my love is now described as creepy? I’m astonished.

Of course I did those things described, don’t get me wrong, but let’s have some perspective here, Doc.

Have people never heard of tennis elbow?

What do they suppose it means? And what about this description — “stroking his arm”? Stroking is what one does to Wimbledon champs. Should I have been serving his arm instead? Or smashing? Or lobbing?

It’s love-all, Doc, or it will be as soon as I convince him I am serious about him. I’m following him around the circuit and I am quite sure he’ll let me handle his racket very soon. To those who say my approach is too daring I say: “New balls, please.”

-Murray Fan
London

Dear Murray Fan
What the deuce are you up to? Get a hold of yourself woman, this is not even a long shot.

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.