Ask Dr. D: When the tapping goes down to the wire

Pssst, hey Doc! Is anyone else listening in? No? Okay then, here goes. There are people listening in to what our boss is saying. The man occupying his seat earlier was tapping the phones. Our confidential conversations are being heard and recorded and so are our secrets including:

The Obamacare replacement law

Ivanka’s new spring/summer collection

Boss’s nuke code password (‘just grab em’)

Gossipsky with the ambassadorofsky. Zalozhit za vorotni!

Other important stuff Clearly these things are of national interest and must be kept out of the public domain.

It could get embarrassing or dangerous for this administration, Doc. What should we do?

Ban Non
Very White House

Dear Ban Non,
Your nation requires executive authority to get probable cause and a court order for wiretaps (even we Indians know this from watching your court dramas). So it is most unlikely that the tapping actually happened.

Secondly and more importantly, you know what is embarrassing or dangerous? The wild and unhinged stuff that your boss tweets and says in his interviews and press conferences. That is the stuff that must be kept out of the public domain. The secret things being tapped can hardly be worse or more dangerous than that.

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.