Ask Dr D: Le grand seducteur 'Dominique Strauss-Kahn'

Dear Docteur

Anozzer day, anozzer sex allegation. What's the problem with le monde, ze world? Can we hommes not be ze real men, ze strapping specimens, full of throbbing intent and primal desire without being accused of being rapists and le souteneur? You understand zat word? Souteneur? Someone who does ze recherche, ze procuring? What's ze English... ah yes, ze pimp.

Can you believe, docteur, that I, DSK, once finance minister of le France, once grand maitre of ze IMF, am accused of being a pimp? Yes, it eez true zat at the IMF I have sometimes brokered deals between shameless tramps, like your neighbour Pakistan, who only do things, even in zeir self interest, when zey are paid. But never have I done it for individuals or for menage a trois or quadruple.

Were there ze naked women in my parties? But of course! What a stupid question — should I have had ze inflatable dolls instead? So yes, zere were naked girls. And did my guests have zeir way with them? Anozzer stupid question.

As my avocate told le juge, I am "a libertine who enjoys orgies but has steadfastly denied knowing the women were paid." And also "in these circumstances one isn't always clothed, and I challenge you to tell the difference between a prostitute naked and any other woman naked."

But of course! I am le grand seducteur, oui, and you can see that in every inch of my magnificent body which women — whether hotel maid or heiress — find irresistible. Why should I need to pay them? I am goodlooking, famousse, rich and possess ze most enorme membre. Why should I pimp? Non, non.

Votre DSK Paris, NY, Alcatraz

Dear DSK

I see in your file that you were jailed for sexually attacking a maid (you claimed you were innocent) and then found to have attacked a young female journalist, who referred to your demeanour as that of a rutting chimpanzee.

And so this pimpanzee business doesn't really surprise me. You come across as someone most shameless so I suppose you should just sit back and enjoy this — as you likely are.

And, knowing the French tolerance of sexual promiscuity — your current leader was photographed taking a scooter to his mistress — this may well help your political career. Sigh.

(The author is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy, but not of his clients.)

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.