Ab mera kya hoga?

Abbe O Doctor! Tu toh jaanta hai. I contested, I didn’t win. Fine, I only got 15 votes. So what? The most important numbers in my life are also double digit — 36, 24 and 69. Bigger isn’t always better (though I must clarify to your male readers that sometimes, bigger is always better).

People are making it out as if this was a defeat. The press goes on about the same thing: How come even NOTA got more votes than you? Did you think you would lose this badly? Lose?! I’ve not lost.

My campaign got me on the news pages, didn’t it? Even my defeat was newsworthy. Tum batao doctor — how many ‘losers’ get publicity? Media never understands motive or benefit. They are the real losers who bang on about useless things. They imagine that my campaign happened without thought. Fools.

You tell me — is there a better election symbol than my green chilli? Wah, kya idea tha. I admit ke party ke naam mein thodi ghalti ho gayi. Rashtriya Aam Party doesn’t quite have a ring to it.

‘Page 3 Party’ or ‘Boom-Boom Ya Bust Party’ would have been better. Anyway, chhodo in baton ko. The next step is to do politics seriously. And for that one has to get into the BJP.

How do I go about this? Their men seem to be mostly bachelors. Their women are either aunty-types like Sushmaji and Anandiben or sanyasins like Uma Bharti.

The only actresses they accept are grandmothers. When I first heard they were against cow-slaughter, I didn’t know they were referring to cattle. Meri entry kaise hogi?

Rakhi Sawant

Dear Rakhi

You’re brilliant. An Indian original. A policeman’s daughter who struck out on her own, and made a success of herself. My heart went out to you when you asked the media: “Why don’t you call Malaika an item girl? Why me?”

Rakhi, we are a class-conscious, Anglicised and hypocritical people who cannot see beyond our prejudices. I can think of no more worthy person than you in the BJP, which is a party with a tight you-know-what.

It will do wonders to them to have you around. How will you do this? I can no more advise you credibly on this than anyone else has on your career.

You are one of the smartest and sharpest people in show business. You’ll figure it out as you always do.

I have a small idea for rebranding though: Call yourself the Gujarat Model.


Ask Dr. D He is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy (but not of his clients.)