A negative conversation is bound to end on a sour note, says relationship expert, Dr Michael McNulty

In any relationship, the best course of action when a problem arises is usually to address it quickly. But talking through your issues requires tact and it’s best to choose your battles. This is about knowing when to save discussions for later. Dr Michael McNulty, a master trainer from The Gottman Institute and founder of the Chicago Relationship Center, explains that there are different kinds of issues within a relationship: Some that are minor and easily solvable, and others that are more perpetual and complicated. Over time, you get to know what topics are minor and what are perpetual. For the complicated issues, wait until everyone’s in a calmer place and can really hear each other.

According to McNulty, when a person feels attacked, they go into a mode of fight or flight, the parts of our brains that handle logic and reason go to sleep, and the ability to respond to criticism rationally is lost. “If partners start a conversation in a negative manner, 97 per cent of the time that conversation will end negatively,” he said.

McNulty points some visible, physical signs of this phenomenon, which he refers to as ‘flooding’ and says it’s a good idea to look out for these when having a potentially heated discussion: Accelerated pulse, blushing, sweating, nervousness, fidgety, and clenched muscles.