​ Dr. D's column: When footballers try to dribble past taxes

Ola Medico D,
Como você está? Good, I hope. I not good. I bad. Court in Portugal say I cheat. Now I say: ‘Okay so I dive a little when defender no really push. I confess.’ Judge

Cristiano Ronaldo! We mean real cheat. You no pay tax. You offshore account. Comprende?’

I say: ‘Okay I confess to a little offside, okay? Maybe I a little in front of last defender. But is that crime? Não!’

Judge say: ‘Idiota! This is not a game.’ I say:‘Ofcourse! Absolutamente, futbol is real. No game. There’s real money. Millions.’

Judge say: ‘I know el stupido. You are avoiding taxes. What does the defence say?’

I say: ‘I avoid the defence all time.’
Judge: ‘There will have to be a penalty.’

I say: ‘Hurra! Parabéns! If I am given a penalty I will for sure score.’
Judge say: ‘Uff.’

I say: ‘Why all time I targeted? I know. Only stars attract bugs.’ My question to you is... actually, I forgot what question was. Oh yes! Could you show this exchange to Panache readers so that they can better understand me, given all the bad publicitas? I have to go practice now. Ciao! PS I would like for this letter to remain anonymous, okay? Thanks!

‘Anônimo’ Ronaldo
Unreal Madrid

Dear Anônimo’,
Thank you for taking up my time, that of my readers, that of the judge. Also that of yours. You should really be practising. Of course, this will remain anonymous. Best wishes.

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.