No woman, more cry: Dr D has some wisdom for Berlusconi's lady troubles

Dear Dr D,
It pained me greatly to have to let my girlfriend (forget her name, I think she was No. 142) go. Feelings of sadness and melancholy overwhelm me and I must seek comfort in the arms of No. 143. To be fair to me, 142 was too old for me. She was 33 and I’m only 83 (and look even younger). It was inevitable.

But she’s upset by my having left her through a press statement announcing I was done but we would still be friends. How else could I have done it? I could have given her a hug and kiss goodbye, but there’s all this coronavirus stuff going on.

Tell me Doc, is there something I can do to make it better for her now?


- S Berlusconi,
Un piede nella fossa

Dear Mr Berlusconi,
I was wondering about this but then I learned that the woman you refer to as 142 has kept your mansion. I think that’s going to make it a lot better for her than anything you can now say.

(The author is one of the leading doctors in the country. He values his privacy, but not of his clients).

STATUTORY WARNING: This humour column is not for the weak-kneed or the thin-skinned.

Finding Love Online Can Be A Cakewalk, Just Avoid These Seven Mistakes

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Everything in this world has become digital now. You can even find love by just one swipe of your finger. But some restrictions imposed by photo and character limits leave some of us at a bit of a loose end.

According to The Independent, two Reddit users asked men and women to list the red flags they've seen on dating profiles.

These are the seven mistakes people make while writing about themselves in a dating app bio:

Everything in this world has become digital now. You can even find love by just one swipe of your finger. But some restrictions imposed by photo and character limits leave some of us at a bit of a lo..

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The Blank Profile

You've already gone to the effort of creating a profile, typing your name and age, maybe you even uploaded one pic. What else do they need?

The Blank Profile You've already gone to the effort of creating a profile, typing your name and age, maybe you even uploaded one pic. What else do they need?

Bathroom Selfies

Firstly, that flash is obscuring the torso/chest/face you're obviously desperate to show off. Secondly, you're clearly a bit of a narcissist/you don't get out much, hence the bathroom. Thirdly, don't think we can't see that there's a toilet in the background.

Bathroom Selfies Firstly, that flash is obscuring the torso/chest/face you're obviously desperate to show off. Secondly, you're clearly a bit of a narcissist/you don't get out much, hence the bathro..

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Height

Short of stating your shoe size and your contact lens prescription, writing your height in your bio essentially translates to the following "I'm not interesting, I'm not witty, but I sure am tall".

Height Short of stating your shoe size and your contact lens prescription, writing your height in your bio essentially translates to the following "I'm not interesting, I'm not witty, but I sure am ..

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The group profile picture

Not only is this confusing as we have no idea who you are, but it immediately leads us to believe that you are the least attractive person in the photograph. Not a good start. Either bag yourself some beastly friends or play it safe with a solo pic.

The group profile picture Not only is this confusing as we have no idea who you are, but it immediately leads us to believe that you are the least attractive person in the photograph. Not a good sta..

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Dog/child photos

You're asking for trouble with either. Whilst the former will only bring immense disappointment when paired with "not my dog" in your bio, the latter is bound to catalyse commit issues in even the broodiest of broods. Expect an apocalypse if your photo includes both.

Dog/child photos You're asking for trouble with either. Whilst the former will only bring immense disappointment when paired with "not my dog" in your bio, the latter is bound to catalyse commit iss..

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Using emojis in the place of words

We get it, you like beer/wine/avocados and sometimes you smile/wear sunglasses/dance like a sassy girl in a red dress. It might be 2017 but the language of love is still a lexical art. Say it, don't emoji it.

Using emojis in the place of words We get it, you like beer/wine/avocados and sometimes you smile/wear sunglasses/dance like a sassy girl in a red dress. It might be 2017 but the language of love is..

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And finally

Remember, no one is everyone's "type on paper". You're looking for someone who "ticks all the boxes" but doesn't give you "the ick". You want to show that you're good at "grafting" but don't be "muggy" about it. You're ready to put all your "eggs in one basket" and are gagging to "crack on" but terrified of being "pied", so you're "pranging out".

And finally Remember, no one is everyone's "type on paper". You're looking for someone who "ticks all the boxes" but doesn't give you "the ick". You want to show that you're good at "grafting" but d..

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